There’s nothing odd about “Johnny Mountain,” no “What horrible parents!” or “You picked that for your nickname?” Just the ineffable quality that draws everyone he meets to say, “Johnny Mountain? With a name like that, you’ve got to be a weatherman.” To which Mountain replies, a slight but knowing grin on his face, “Why yes, ma’am. In the world of weathermen, Mountain is known for his sturdy workmanship, predictable but reliable. If there is a weatherman who perfectly fits his name, it’s Johnny Mountain. That said…watch out, storm front over the greater Philly area! Don’t come one county closer! Sam would never eat another human being, no matter how annoying said human being got. Sam’s name reminds me of the annoying guy in Grizzly Man who called all the bears and foxes around whom he lived “champions.” That is, until one of the bears ate him. “Ah, you hilarious bastard, you!” At which point Joe’s face goes straight. “And then the funeral director said, ‘Those aren’t pants!’” Ha! “Joe, that’s hilarious!” I say, slapping him on the back. After several minutes talking about baseball, our mutual love for pari-mutuel betting, and, of course, the weather, Joe launches into a dirty joke, the dirtiest I’ve ever heard. “I’m Joe.” Ah, I think, what an average name. I imagine meeting Joe Bastardi at a cocktail party. Needless to say, he has yet to be approached by any Dallas-Fort Worth stations, who would prefer to keep the Raine to a minimum. Rumor has it that Dallas Raines has been recently approached by several Houston, San Antonio, and Austin affiliates, hoping to get in yet another subtle dig at the Big D. Because she doesn’t have to play by the boys’ rules, but she does anyway. No one knows why most women weathermen can rise through the ranks bearing totally normal nomenclature (though now-sportscaster Hannah Storm got her start in front of the blue screen). It’s why there’s no “News 2 Weather with Tom Cat,” or “Weekend Forecast with Albie Back.” Still, points for trying, Ray. The key to a good weatherman name is to bend, not break. Here’s a good example of a guy who’s just trying too hard. All I’m saying is, Rick, if you’re ever looking for an alternate line of work, the Valley calls. On the porn-star-to-normal-family-guy scale, it’s likely Rick Dickert falls decidedly toward the latter. Many, perhaps even most, are straight-as-an-arrow family men, folks who drive home after the evening news, kiss their sleeping kids on the forehead, have a whiskey, maybe diddle their wives, and go to bed. It’s not always the case that weathermen lead double lives as porn stars. Here are the 10 living, fire-breathing weathermen with the best. To get to the big leagues in weathercasting, talent isn’t enough and connections can only get you so far. Al Roker? He’s a wannabe other weathermen gossip in hushed voices about what Roker had to do to get where he is, because no one with a name that plain should have gotten so far. Funny names-all the real weathermen have them. “From now on all will know of your deeds, for I decree you to be known as… Luke Twister!” At which a chorus of guys in smiley-face masks gasped in disbelief.Īs it was, so it always has been. “Isothermes, no longer will you bear a normal, basically Greek-sounding name,” Zeus said. When Zeus returned and saw what had happened, he banished Isothermes to the Carthage affiliate. In Greek mythology, the god of weathermen, Isothermes, sneaked one night into Hera’s bedroom while Zeus was away at a conference and impregnated her. But then there’s the person standing at stage left, dwarfed by a giant map of North America. Normal, all-American names, for all-American people, delivering all-American news. Co-anchor: Julie the Blonde/Vaguely Asian or Hispanic. Lead anchor: John, vaguely Midwestern, definitely tanned. Think of every TV news team you’ve ever watched.
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